ALL FOR ALLISON

"Allison" is the name assigned to a beautiful little girl on the Reece's Rainbow orphan advocacy site.  RR assigns names to children to protect their true identity because sensitive information is shared in trying to find families for these orphans.

Allison has cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder.  She is in a horrible institution in Ghana.  She NEEDS to come home to her family - to gain access to the medical care and LOVE that she deserves!

Allison is being adopted by some of my closest, dearest friends - Jenni and Eric.  Jenni is in country now, waiting on one final document to bring her precious daughter home forever!

Allison's needs are great.  Travel home with her will be logistically difficult, and will require Eric to fly to Ghana to help Jenni bring her home when the time comes (hopefully VERY soon!).  Unfortunately, booking last minute airfare to Africa is never cheap, but this time of year it is down right ridiculous in pricing.

To help my dear friends raise the final funds needed to bring "Allison" home, I am hosting a giveaway!

GRAND PRIZE (CHOICE OF 1):
Kindle Paperwhite 

** OR **

$100 Amazon Gift Card

FIRST PRIZE:

$50 Gift Card to Cheesecake Factory

 

SECOND PRIZE:

$25 Gift Card to Starbucks

THIRD PRIZE:

$15 Gift Card to Cold Stone Creamery

FOURTH PRIZE:

$10 Gift Card to Barnes & Noble

FIFTH PRIZE:
$5 Gift Card to Tim Hortons

There  are two ways to enter:

DONATE!!!  
Donate to Allison's Reece's Rainbow account, then email a copy of your paypal receipt to me at ghanakeepgrowing@yahoo.com to be entered in the drawing!
     ** When you donate $1-$24 you will receive ONE entry into the drawing
     ** When you donate $25-49 you will receive TWO entries into the drawing
     ** When you donate $50-$99 you will receive THREE entries into the drawing
     ** When you donate $100+ you will receive FIVE entries into the drawing
CLICK HERE TO DONATE (scroll to bottom of page & click DONATE)

SHARE!!!
Share this blog post on Facebook and/or Twitter with the hashtag - #allforallison - and/or share on your blog!!  Comment on this post which of these you've done for ONE entry into the drawing for each!!  (Include blog links please.)

DRAWING WILL BE HELD AS SOON AS ALLISON'S ACCOUNT REACHES $7100.  
THAT WILL MAKE HER ADOPTION FULLY FUNDED!!!  
AS OF 6/30/13 at 10:00pm THERE IS ONLY $839 NEEDED!!!!!

Remember - this is about bringing "Allison" home forever!!  Please pray for the family as they prepare for travel and homecoming with their newest princess!!!  Thank you!!

"Don not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  ~Matthew 6:19-21

But Not From Ghana

When we began our first adoption in 2009, I found myself clinging to blogs of other families who had adopted or were adopting from around the world.  I gleaned anything I could from their experiences - good and bad.  I tried to prepare myself for what lye ahead, including "worst case scenarios" of RAD, ODD and even disruption.  Because of the tremendous blessing many of these blogs were to me, I felt led to blog about our journey as well...in part to help others coming after us, but mostly just to have written record of our journey.  I'm amazed by how often I reflect back on that 2 year adventure now with those children home.  (You can read all about it HERE.)  When we began our second adoption, I wanted to continue recording our journey, but created a new blog simply because I liked the formatting better through this particular publisher.

When I started this page, I was creatively playing on words when I named it "Ghana Keep Growing" since our adoption plans included returning to Ghana to continue adding to our family.  Unfortunately, as you've read through the last several posts, that is not God's plan for us.  In fact, the new Minister of Gender & Family in Ghana has suspended adoptions, and is pushing toward a full closure of Ghana to international adoption.  There is talk of Ghana signing on to the Hague Convention in the future, but implementation could take several years, if it's ever fully achieved.  For now I pray that the families already "matched" with their children won't be STUCK like the families adopting from Russia & Vietnam, and I pray that the orphans of Ghana will be well cared for even after international adoption is no longer a hope for them.

For us, God has given us complete peace with where He is leading.  We certainly still mourn the loss of R & A, and we will again seek to add to our family through the miracle of adoption...but not from Ghana.  No, the road laid out before us is not from Africa at all.  We have seen the faces of the children being added to our family, and they are beautiful!!!

I can't wait for the day we can show you their smiles...but for now I can only tell you that we are adopting another sibling pair - 1 girl [Ana] & 1 boy [Ezra].  They are "older" children who have some individual needs and we are confident that God has called our family to step out in faith for them...to give them hope...to be their forever family.

Today we embrace this new hope for our family.  We are trusting in God's promise to arise beauty for ashes in our grief.  We know that had we not suffered the loss of our girls, we would not have the opportunity to bring these children into our lives...and we are filled with hopeful anticipation of the day Ana & Ezra will enter our family forever!

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.  ~ Isaiah 61:3 ~

Finding Hope

HOPE.

Seems like such a simple word, doesn't it?  Four little letters packed with so much meaning.  We hope for things.  We find hope in things.  We can be filled with hope or feel completely hopeless.

In 1999, I married my soul mate and hoped to travel the world before starting a family.

In 2000, I hoped to adopt 2 brothers from the local foster care system.  God, instead, began growing our family "the old-fashioned way."

In 2001, I gave birth after a very traumatic pregnancy.  I hoped to never get pregnant again.  I did.

In 2007, I hoped to adopt internationally from Rwanda.  God, instead, grew our family with children from Ghana (4 years later!).

In 2012, I returned to Ghana with the hope of adding 2 more incredible daughters to our lives.  God, instead, had another plan for our family.

Based on the 4 extraordinary children who call me Mom, I'm no longer putting my hope in my own ideas.  Had I gotten all I'd hoped for over the years, I would have NONE of these amazing blessings!!!!  I've not been a quick learner in this area.  In fact, I still struggle and have to give it up daily...but now I know to put ALL my hope in the One who already knows the steps before me.  The One who has already named the children in our future (should His will bring more children into our lives).  The Only One who could have brought our family together.

A quick search of my favorite online Bible yielded 180 results for the word HOPE in the NIV translation.  Considering there are only 66 books in the Bible, I'd say HOPE is a pretty prominent message in scripture.

Now, I am content to find my Hope in the Lord.  I pray He will see fit to bless us with more children someday, but until then, I'll continue to cherish the children I have...and our new puppy!  ❤

Where Do We Go From Here

It's been just over five months since we said good bye, forever, to our precious girls.  151 days, to be precise.  One of whom just had a birthday.  One we thought we'd be celebrating here.  Those days are so incredibly painful.  I am thankful that we were able to make the hard choice when faced with it and stick to our convictions, because it was right...even when it tore us to pieces, but it doesn't ease the fact that we were committed to these 2 girls for the better part of a year.  We met them, embraced them, and had to say good-bye, FOREVER, to them.  I don't know that there are many people in this world who can comprehend that level of pain.  There is no closure in ceremony & burial as though a child was lost to the Heavens.  No, we continue to live life every day never knowing if R & A have enough to eat, if they're attending school or if they were beaten so badly that day that they're raw and bloody (caning is common practice for disciplining children in Ghana).  This is our reality.  We just don't know.

We thought we would.

We had every hope & intention of sponsoring R's education and maintaining contact...but the social worker assigned to the case won't return my calls.  R's mom stopped calling and no longer answers my calls.  I'm sure she feels I abandoned her, but I didn't!  I was told I had to go through the case worker to provide support, which leaves me no where.  I have an NGO on the ground in Ghana willing to help me get care & support to R's family so she can be in school...but we don't know where she (or A) is or how to find her without this social worker.  It sucks.

So here we sit.  Still grieving, still mourning the loss of two children who will always hold huge pieces of our hearts.  In my own way, I took the first step to my own healing just last week by commemorating the girls with a special piece of art.  I worked closely with a friend to have a design created with 4 lilies (1 each for Ivy, Mya, Liam & Cora) and 2 butterflies for R & A (our girls who fluttered beautifully into our lives, and then had to flit away, unable to stay).  The imagery is forever embedded on my flesh, bold and beautiful, just like each of the beloved children they represent.

We know we aren't done growing our family through adoption.  We've been exploring our options, and when God opens the door for us to begin this journey again, we will share excitedly, I'm sure.  For now, we have agreed not to return to Ghana for the purposes of adoption.  We will undoubtedly return in both mission and tourism capacities as frequently as possible.  We love it there (though I'll admit, I'm not a fan of the majority of the local cuisine).  The people, especially the children, are so welcoming and sweet.  There are several children there with my heart in their hands - and none of them can ever become ours.  So we love them the best we can, through child sponsorships, care packages, and most importantly prayer.  But adoption in Ghana has changed.  It's not the program it once was, and the powers that be are trying to close it all together.  I won't be surprised if it happens.  I'll be deeply saddened for the estimated 1 MILLION orphans in Ghana, but not surprised.

So for now, we pray.  We continue to grieve.  We live one day at a time.  We seek God's face and His plan for our family, and hope He will bless us with another child (or children) sooner rather than later...but whenever we are blessed to add to our family again, and whomever it shall be, we shall praise now for what we know is to come, and we will give thanks to our Father in heaven for His mercies that are new each day.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

~ Matthew 5:4 ~

 

Finding the Words

Sometimes words flow out poetically as I compose a blog post.  This is not one of those times, and for that I will apologize now.  I have sat at my computer at least four dozen times over the last three months trying to write this entry.  I committed to being open about our experience of a failed adoption and I haven't actually shared much of anything about our personal battles through it all.

Three months.  It's been exactly 3 months since Sam & I boarded a plane in Accra and headed back to the US with the knowledge that the daughters we love so much will never be ours.  I've cried.  A LOT.  Those first weeks were unimaginable.  We arrived home and couldn't bring ourselves to discuss all that unfolded in Ghana while we were there.  We had a family vacation scheduled for just 5 days after our arrival home from Ghana and we didn't want to spoil that for the kids, so we kept everything quiet.  We didn't lie to the children - we answered all their questions very honestly - but we didn't offer more information than was specifically asked.

Our family vacation was to Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, FL - dubbed "the most magical place on earth."  It was torture.  Don't get me wrong - I loved seeing Cora's eyes light up when she met Princess Tiana and watching Mya curtsy to The Beast while adorning her Belle costume with full hair & makeup - but less than a week had passed since saying goodbye, FOREVER, to the precious little girls in Ghana that we longed to make our own.  I was (and am) in full-on mourning and the 60 degree temperature felt like 30 with the constant rain.  The weather sure seemed fitting to the personal hell I was enduring internally, all the while trying to put on a happy face so the kids would enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  The parks were beautiful - all decorated for Christmas (yes, even manger scenes...and a menorah or 2).  It was spectacular to see the lights shows and to watch Liam's face as he tried to decipher if it was the "real Tinkerbell" flying overhead during the fireworks show at Magic Kingdom.  It was special to see our sweet Ivy still want to see the princesses, even at eleven years old.  Memories were certainly made...but sadly, what I remember most about that trip was the fear.  The fear for R & A in Ghana.  The fear that I wouldn't smile at just the right time and my very intuitive Mya would figure out what was going on.  The fear that I would be the one to ruin their Disney vacation because of my grief - of which they knew nothing.

We returned home just a week before Christmas.  Talk about emotions running high!!  December 24th, Christmas Eve, marked ONE YEAR since Liam & Cora arrived home!  What an amazing anniversary to celebrate.  I love these children with all my heart.  Their first year home has NOT been easy (that's another post) but it has been miraculous.  I wanted to celebrate them, yet the whole time I struggled immensely with the reality that R & A will never come "home" to us.  See a recurring theme?  The grief has been consuming.  Completely, utterly, all-consuming.

We agreed not to ruin the kids' Christmas by telling them about R & A...so the presents the kids made for their sisters remained tucked under the tree, all wrapped pretty in anticipation of a homecoming sometime in the future.  Oh the heartache!

Christmas led to New Year's Eve.  I was a wreck.  Here were were, what many would deem a perfect mid-size family, sitting around the house sipping hot cocoa and watching fireworks displays on television as each timezone around the world entered 2013.  7:00pm rolled around.  It was midnight in Ghana.  Were R & A awake?  Was there any sort of celebration?  Do they even know the year is changing?  My mind raced and my heart ached.  I couldn't live through the lie anymore.  I couldn't start the new year off with this secret that was eating away at me minute-by-minute.  So Sam & I sat down with the kids and told them that their sisters would probably never be able to come to America as part of our family.

The tears were many...but the questions, OH the questions...I was not prepared for those.  Why, Mommy?  Don't you WANT them?  Weren't they nice girls?  Will they be safe?  Will they have food?  Who will take care of them?  Why were you told they needed a family if they didn't?  WILL THEY BE OK MOMMY??????

Those questions still haunt me several months later.  I can't go to sleep at night or wake in the morning without wondering ARE THEY SAFE?  ARE THEY FED?  ARE THEY OK???

I still cry for them.

A LOT.

I still ache to hold them in my arms again.

I suspect a piece of me always will.

We held our daughters and had to say good-bye...and we don't have the peace that might eventually come from a "typical" loss of a child, in that the child is resting peacefully in perfectly healed spirit at the hand of God in heaven.  No, we have to rely on HOPE that the evil in this world won't overtake them again, as it has in the past.  We have to HOPE that the people who deceived and dishonored these precious girls will not continue seeking to do so.  We have to HOPE that R & A have someone in their lives in Ghana who will feed the Gospel into their souls so that we can hold onto the HOPE that we will have eternity with them.  So while we have peace that we are in God's will...we, or at least I, do not have PEACE with the situation and the loss...but we're clinging to the promise of HOPE.

Mourning 2 Sisters

When we first told the children about our plans to add R & A to our family, they were ecstatic!  All of them! Ivy was excited to add a sister her age and the little 3 all adore Ivy so much that they were over the moon with the idea of more big sisters to love on them.  Of course, Liam would like a brother, but that's more because he wants someone to share his bedroom with than anything.

In the wake of our failed adoption of R & A, their grief has been immense.  Of course, kids are resilient and they're getting through (far better than I am most days to be honest), but the pain still surfaces regularly...especially for our Ghanaians.  Here's how the grief is playing out thus far with the youngest members of our family:

Ivy is sorrowful, and she has shed many tears.  She had crafted gifts for her new sisters and was super excited about having a new "big girls bedroom" for just her & R.  She has become even more reclusive and her sleep has been disturbed.  She's burying herself in books more than ever - not even returning texts from her friends.  However, when asked about it, she sees this as a new opportunity to help a different child - one who needs us more than R & A did.  She has a special heart for the children who will "age out" of adoptability and has asked us to consider adopting a 13 year old girl from China before she loses all chance of ever having a family (her 14th birthday).  We agreed to pray about it.

Mya has either handled this with the most peace or she's internalizing her pain.  We're not sure which.  She is our most compassionate child and she eagerly tends to hurting hearts within our home.  I'm afraid she sees my pain and the pain of her siblings and, much like her father, hides her own to be "strong" for the rest of us.  I pray she's just at peace with the whole situation...but she's so much like her daddy that I do wonder what's going on in her mind.

Liam is struggling.  He doesn't understand why R & A won't come to our family.  It is especially painful to guide him through this tenderly.  We try to explain that his "Ghana Mom" wanted him to come to America to have love and food and school and medicine and all the best things life can offer, but all he hears is R's mom wanted her and his mom didn't.  I won't even pretend to know that grief.  It hurts him to the very core.  His developmental level and language skills don't allow him to verbalize all he's experiencing, but he has reverted to many self-soothing behaviors (common to children from institutions who had no one to truly care for them & meet their individual needs) and he has also started pushing us harder.  I'm sure part of it is fear that we'll abandon him at some point.  He subconsciously needs to test our love and our faithfulness and commitment to him. We're trying to stand strong.  To be consistent.  To not allow this major family tragedy to affect our parenting...but to say we're succeeding in that would be a stretch.  We try.  We fail.  We apologize.  We're struggling too, and our patience while hurting is limited.  Thankfully Liam sees a wonderful, Godly counselor who is trained specifically in how to help children who've experienced a traumatic past, including adoption, foster care, etc.  She is a blessing to Liam and to our entire family and she will be working closely with him to help process this grief in a God-honoring way.

Cora is, well, Cora.  She will be five years old next week.  She is sad, but she forgets about it minutes later.  Whenever something reminds her of R & A, she comes running to me and cries.  She asks me to explain, again, why they won't be her sisters.  She asks me if they're safe in Ghana and if anyone gives them hugs & kisses.  She loves them and she's concerned...because she's lived it.  Don't for one moment think this little girl who came to America just 3 weeks before her 4th birthday has forgotten her life there!  She may not remember every detail, but she remembers hurting.  She remembers being hungry and having no food to eat.  She remembers watching her friends go to families before her while she stayed at the orphanage.  She remembers and she agonizes (for a few moments at a time) for the sisters she'll never have.  Sisters she's skyped with and sang with.  Sisters who will live out there days on the other side of the world.

I can barely make sense if it myself.  I don't know how this is going to affect any of the kids long term.  I know that we made wise decisions.  I know that God took us down this path for a reason.  I just wish living out our faith didn't come at such a high cost.

But then again, God sacrificed his son's life for us...for me...so maybe I shouldn't complain.  Maybe we're all just becoming privy to a small piece of the pain and a portion of the tears that Our Father has shed for us.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~ John 3:16 ~

Uncovering the Truth

In adoption, especially international adoption, there lies within a deep stream of emotional entanglement. We are not new to this, however this adoption has taken a much different road from our first process.

We first committed to R over eight months ago (April 2012).  Each day our love for her has grown so exponentially I can't even contain it.  We learned about A roughly a month later and agreed to pray about adopting her as well, because we were told it was in the best interest of the girls (who are best friends) to remain together.  It took what felt like an eternity (also known as two months) to have wisdom and peace with committing to her as well, which we did in July.

As we worked with our local social worker to update our homestudy for the adoption of these two precious girls, we came to learn a lot of unpleasant truths about the orphanage they were residing in.  Stories of neglect and severe abuse.  Stories of finding/creating "orphans" for families instead of finding families for the true orphans already in their care.  Stories of horror lived by the children in that institution.  These are not rumors or exaggerated tales of minor infractions.  These are true, accurate, documented accounts of the conditions the children are subjected to within the walls of that facility and the incredulous nature of the orphanage's director.  We continued to pray about whether we were to move forward, knowing that we would be dealing directly with the director of the home to complete our adoption.  We knew very clearly that God called us to fight for these girls, and so we did.  We maintained regular contact with the orphanage director and gathered all the documents needed for our dossier (the collection of paperwork needed to show us as suitable parents for the Ghanaian courts).

We wired money for the girls' medicals to be done and for the proper clearances to be obtained for the girls to be legally cleared for adoption.  It took several weeks, but we finally received their medical information and were told that the remaining paperwork (relinquishments & Social Inquiry Reports) would only be done after we submitted our dossier and a significant sum of money.  Having been through this process once, we knew that was not the established procedure, but the director kept insisting this is the "new way."

We continued to pray, and very clearly heard God tell us to GO.  Drop what we're doing and GO to our girls.  We were scared to death because we had no idea what we were supposed to do if we went.  We didn't even know if we would be able to afford a trip over...so we prayed "God, we hear you telling us to go, but You must provide so we can"...and He did! As you probably know, we hosted an online auction to benefit our adoption.  That auction ended right around the time we heard this call to go.  That auction, by God's grace and provision, brought in exactly $4,072.  I really didn't think that would even cover our airfare, especially during the holidays (Sam's ticket alone to bring L & C home was more than that a year ago), but God provided.  I checked flights with several carriers and itineraries over a course of several days.  The tickets hit a major low and I booked them!  With the bargain price I got on airfare, plus staying at a very inexpensive guest house as opposed to a nicer hotel, our auction earnings were enough to cover ALL our travel expenses!  God provided the means, so we went to Ghana!  You can read all about that here.

SIDE NOTE: Many months ago (late spring-early summer), charges were filed against the orphanage based on the issues I mentioned above.  In October of this year, after completing their investigation, the government raided the home and removed most of the children, but our girls were among those left behind to continue to endure the nightmare.

Anyway, we arrived in Ghana under the radar so to speak.  We kept our trip very quiet, with only immediate family and a few close friends in the know about our journey of faith across the ocean.  We had a strong conviction that we needed to do everything in our power to have the girls removed from this awful orphanage.  We wanted to move forward to bring them into our forever family, but it was obvious that could not ethically happen while they were under the "care" of that place.  Thanks to an amazing friend, we were able to connect with one of the top leaders within the Department of Social Welfare (SW) - the govt agency responsible for overseeing all adoptions in Ghana - about our case.  This woman treated me very kindly and was very open about the situation in that home.  She explained the the reason R & A had been allowed to stay at the orphanage was because they were each somehow distantly related to the director's family.  A is related to the director and R is related to his wife (both by at least 4 degrees of separation...so by no means a "close" relative).  Supposedly the children who remain at this facility are all somehow related to the head couple of the institution, so while the facility is legally closed, these poor "relative" children remain to suffer abuse at the hands of those who should love them most!

During our week in Ghana, we met with several members of SW about having the girls removed and placed into a foster home.  While there, a case worker was assigned to investigate their specific cases to see if we could also get the ball rolling on their adoption paperwork.  What came next was something we could never have anticipated.

The TRUTH about R:
We learned that R's birth mother, M, had NO KNOWLEDGE of her residing in an orphanage!!!  An aunt was supposed to be caring for her all these years.  A trusted family member had promised to raise R, who had been born to an unwed teen mom, but instead placed her in at least 2 different orphanages over the last 6+ years that we know of.  M was understandably furious to learn of this deceit and of the atrocities that her precious daughter had been subjected to all this time.  The aunt would periodically remove R from the facility to go visit M at her home in a different village, completing the rouse that she was caring for the child.  M is now married with a young daughter, just over a year of age.  She is in a place in her life where she is able to care for R and she WANTS to!  Therefore, we offered to not only cease our adoption of R, but also to remain her education sponsor so that she can be returned to her birth family and still be able to continue her schooling.  M & R have my phone number and we have regular communication.  While we are grieving this very real loss of our daughter, we have complete peace that she is in the arms of the mother God planned for her.  Had we not gone to Ghana to fight for her, she may never have been returned to her birth family who loves and WANTS her!  Of course I want her too...but international adoption is intended ONLY to be a LAST RESORT for orphans who can not otherwise be cared for in their native land.  This is not the case for R and our ethical standards kept us from proceeding.

Let me say that this child will ALWAYS be my daughter in my heart.  I have been covering her in prayer for roughly a year and have been committed to making her a member of our family for over 8 months.  While my first thought is to liken my emotions to a woman having a stillbirth at full term, losing a child you've planned for and loved, my situation is much different.  I have a RELATIONSHIP with this child.  We have written letters and skyped and now met and snuggled and played together!  While she has been instructed (understandably) to no longer call me Mommy, but rather Auntie Christy, I will forever be her America Mommy and I am abundantly thankful that M wants us to remain in their lives.

The TRUTH about A:
A's story is a little murkier.  The unfortunate TRUTH about A is that she remains at the orphanage even as I write this.  We fought our hardest to have her removed, but hit one stumbling block after another.  I will be contacting SW again this week to touch base, but the basic understanding at this point is that A's family can NOT support her, does NOT want to, has relinquished ALL of her siblings, but has been talked out of relinquishing her, which means our adoption of A is going to be a failed adoption as well.  It is a devastating situation for our daughter.  She has one family that wants her...us...but we can not make her ours because of some alternate anti-adoption agenda pushed on A's birth family.  Even as we sat together in the SW office, A's grandmother was flip flopping and changing her story.  We know there is another family who has been trying to adopt A out from under us.  We can not say for sure if they have any connection to the family not consenting to our adoption now in order that they might get the consent later, but it is certainly in my mind.  I do have the word of the SW Director that if A is EVER legally cleared for adoption, we will be given first opportunity because our dossier is logged in and waiting specifically for her, but only time will tell what God's plan is there.  We, again, are devastated over the loss of our child.  She has been in my daily prayers for seven months and in my heart as my daughter for five.  While I will probably always hold onto some small sliver of hope that she could someday be our daughter, the reality is we are not going to be able to adopt her right now or any time in the foreseeable future.

In a moment we lost two of our children.

The book of Job has come alive to me in the last month.  To experience such grief and loss and still focus on worshiping God through it all, regardless of circumstances, is something I'm striving to do, but it's unbelievably difficult.

In the coming days, as we enter the new year, I will be chronicling our family's journey through this loss.  The entire family is grieving immensely and I hope to share candidly what that looks like...not to exploit the raw emotions of my family, but rather to hopefully help someone else to know that they aren't alone.  Maybe even to show the redemption waiting on the other side of choosing ethics in adoption over my own want & desire to bring "my child" home.

"...Naked I came out of my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."  ~Job 1:21

We Met Our Girls!

The last 6 weeks have been, in a word, overwhelming.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually overwhelming.

November was packed with rehearsals for Ivy's professional ballet production premier (she was cast as a toy soldier in The Nutcracker).  We celebrated Thanksgiving with Sam's family on November 22nd and with my family on November 24th.  Nutcracker dress rehearsal was November 23rd and performances were November 24th & 25th...and she was outstanding!  So proud of Ivy!!!

Then, on November 26th, Sam & I boarded a plane to Ghana to meet the precious girls God spoke to us so many months ago.  We had no set agenda and were trusting in God entirely.  It was the most unnerving week of my life!!!  We arrived in country on the night of November 27th.  We had daily communication with the Department of Social Welfare (the governing body that oversees adoptions in Ghana), but were unable to actually meet the girls until the afternoon of December 3rd...but I'll get back to that in a moment.

Each day, as we waited longingly to hold the girls in our arms, we did the best we could to distract ourselves while also serving God in Ghana.  We spent many hours at an orphanage that was walking distance from the guest house we were staying at, and had the joy of loving on several children in that home.  We also spent time with the most wonderful, Godly woman...her name is "Auntie Comfort," and she operates a crisis pregnancy/maternity home called The Fern House.  It is such a marvelous ministry and I am so blessed to have met Comfort and her family during our time there!

While we were in Ghana, we also were able to visit with Liam & Cora's first mother and the in-country coordinator that helped us complete their adoption.  We had prepared & taken photobooks with us of the kids' first year in America.  They were so appreciative and really seemed to love that Liam gets to play soccer here!  There was a lot of drama surrounding that encounter, but I am truly thankful for the opportunity.  She gave me her phone number, so we will be able maintain a relationship with her when it is healthy for the children to do so.  What a potential blessing that most internationally adopted children never have!

We learned a lot about the girls even before we met them.  We learned about their situations and the truth behind their stories.  I will share more about them in a future post...I'm still processing all I've learned.  I'm still praying about what information is mine to share, and what is uniquely theirs and needs to be held in confidentiality.  There is much that NEEDS to be shared...but it must be done right.

The day FINALLY came...the day we were going to get to see the faces in front of us that until now we had only seen in photographs...and then we were promptly reminded how EVERYTHING in Ghana operates on "Ghana time"!!  Talk about frustrating!!!  We were asked to be in Accra for noon.  We hired a driver and planned ample travel time, accounting for traffic delays (which we experienced on our drive into the city earlier in our stay) and actually arrived at the office around 11:30am.  I texted the woman whose office we were going to and she advised me to stay in the car until the girls arrived and she would call me.  3 HOURS of sitting in a taxi cab on a hot Ghana afternoon with anxiety bubbling over before we got THE CALL.  When that phone rang, my heart skipped a beat.  I'd waited for this moment for SO long!  We were actually going to meet them!  We practically jumped out of the taxi and ran (ok, power walked) into the office building.  As we turned the corner on the flight of stairs, I saw them...there they were...in their school uniforms...walking toward us.  My heart raced.  How were they going to react?  What would I say?  And then...they saw us...and they knew who we were and they smiled!  They were tentative, of course, because they weren't told why they were being brought to Accra.  They had NO IDEA that we were in Ghana to see them.  And as soon as they knew it was ok, they hugged us and smiled and held our hands and played games and asked questions and just let us love them.  It. Was. AMAZING.

A piece of me that had been missing, was filled.  My heart was happy.  For a few moments, my life felt whole and complete.  Then we were ushered into the office...where R's birth mother, baby sister and aunt sat alongside A's maternal grandmother and 3 government officials.  We sat there for roughly an hour and a half, with the girls on our laps, as their future was awkwardly (and in my opinion, inappropriately) discussed in front of them.  At times they were asked their opinions and the girls were incredibly frightened.  They didn't want to answer "wrong" or upset anyone.  It was traumatizing for them (and us)!  A was on Sam's lap and R was on mine.  They snuggled and tickled and were affectionate with us.  They played with my camera and took silly pictures.  They understand adoption and knew we were there to become their American family.  They were so excited for us to be there...but the tension in the office could be cut with a knife and they clung tight with fear whenever a question was asked of them directly.

When the meeting eventually ended, we knew our time with the girls was running out.  We asked if we could take them to dinner before they had to be returned to the orphanage and our request was granted.  We took them, and their case worker, to KFC (yes, there is an actual Kentucky Fried Chicken in Ghana!) and discovered that R really loves the American spin on chicken & chips (fries) whereas A is much less impressed and would have preferred good old fashioned Ghanaian chicken & rice.  Oh well...at least we got some quality time with the girls before having to say good bye.  When we walked out to our taxi, it had a flat tire, so we literally just stood on the street corner and talked with the girls while the driver went to get the tire fixed.  What a pleasant God-incidence.  Truly a blessing to have even just an extra 30 minutes with them.

Once the tire was repaired, it was back to our guest house...where we had to say good bye to these beautiful, precious little blessings.  A was sad, but R...oh my sweet, sweet R...she was devastated.  She sobbed and sobbed.  She did not want to go, nor did I want her too, but it had to be done.  With many hugs, a little prayer and a lot of "We Love You"s, they walked away.  There has never in my life been a worse moment than the one pictured below.

The next day, Sam & I boarded a plane to head home.